STORYLINE: After recovering a microchip off a dead body in Russia (then escaping by snowboarding on a shitty snowmobile ski), Bond is privy to investigate Max Zorin (Walken) and his technology advances. From the way that Zorin seems to be cheating at horse races, Bond puts together that Zorin is after more than just a little money. He's after significant power and world domination (of the tech market). Now its up to Bond to foil the plan, save Silicon Valley from destruction, and tolerate Ms Sutton with only days to spare. Its going to be a long, tedious, and non-nonsensical adventure, but Bond is always up for the job!
PLOT 1/5: The main problem with "A View To A Kill", which makes it worse than any other Bond film before it, is that with some of its ideas. It could have been good. But it fails so badly at most elements, that you would never know it. The plot is completely skewed and tries too hard to be a new "Goldfinger". Its over the top with random actions sequences, that can be cool if you lose your sense of logic (base jumping off of the Eiffel Tower?!?! Bond on a speeding firetruck ladder?!?!?!?), and dialogue that makes one want to take up scriptwriting to fix all of its stupidity this film just reeks of absurdity. Some of the plot moments could have worked (the idea of adding in a micro chip at the time was fitting) but they are so random and used poorly that it never really matters.
BOND 1/5: Roger Moore was probably too old for the last Bond film, but his age (just about 60 for this movie) just shows WAY too much. His suave suffers severely and the obvious stunt doubles are on screen more than he is anymore. Not to mention Bond as a character is halfway spoofing himself by this time in the franchise with is horrible one liners (they might be at their worst here, "There's a fly in his soup!") and his almost inhuman abilities. Sorry Moore, you probably shouldn't have done this one.
VILLAIN 1.5/5: Christopher Walken as Zorin could have been awesome. A psychotic and random actor playing a psychotic and quirky villain? Should be gold right? Nah. He also seems like a spoof of a regular Bond villain then the actual scary and powerful monster he was supposed to be. He's pretty cliche in the end and doesn't have a whole lot memorable going for him (except for his normal Walken like speech patterns and creepy looks). He does have some hilariously bad puns and lines in the movie though and that might be worth something more than just bad scripting.
BOND GIRL 0/5: If there was any time I was okay with a negative point score for any element in any Bond film, it would be for Tanya Roberts. Luckily she only appears half way through the film, and unlucky for us, she appears at all. She's supposed to be a geologist (really?) that helps Bond figure shit out, but with her awful acting and annoying yelling of "James!" every five damn seconds I can't stand it when she is on screen. Even with Goodnight and Goodhead I didn't want the villain to kill them, but throughout the film I desperately wanted her character to get knocked off. If wishes were fishes I would have some to fry I guess.
"A View To A Kill" just blows. Pure and simple, it blows mightily. For Bond its too cartoon-y and silly to be taken seriously, and even on a fun scale it is almost too annoying to be enjoyable. If there was one factor that was good about this movie its the theme song by Duran Duran. Its pure 80s pop awesome. Otherwise, you might as well skip this one and pretend that "Octopussy" was Moore's farewell film.
BONUS RANT: How cool could have May Day been? A quirky massive kick ass female body guard played by a battle queen from "Conan"? Fuck yeah. Too bad her character is just so damn awkward. Every time she kissed Walken I had to avert my eyes. Those kind of moments are not meant for humankind. They were even awkward for both of the actors. You can tell.
BONUS RANT II: Two blimps?! Zorin has two blimps?! One conveniently tucked away as an instant inflatable one in a construction trailer? Who? What? Where? What the hell is with this movie?!?!?
Written By Matt Reifschneider
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