The Lone Ranger (2013)

Here comes the BOOM!!!!

Every dog has to learn a lesson or so it goes. Some dogs are quick to learn while others, well they have to have their noses shoved in poop then thrown outside. I feel that this movie is the proverbial poop. I saw the box office crash, I read the crappy reviews. Heck I was warned by every person that even heard me mention the words "Lone Ranger". Did I listen? Did I once consider that maybe just maybe these people might be right?

Of course I did, however we all know that a devastating crash while gruesome and potentially upsetting is best  viewed with ones own eyes. So off I  went to feast my eyes on a film that has made every "what not to watch" list of 2013. So feel free to tag along if you have the nerve.

Directed by Gore Verbinski
Starring Johnny Depp as Tonto, Armie Hammer as John Reid/The Lone Ranger, Tom Wilkinson as Latham Cole, and Helena Bonham-Carter as Red

Synopsis - This is not your father's Lone Ranger! Most people reading this review probably do not remember the old days of Lone Rangerism. Nor do I want to bore anyone with a history lesson. Just let it be known that this film played out a heck of a lot differently than I expected.

This version of "The Lone Ranger" starts out with a retelling of events by a very old Tonto. Who was mistaken  as a statue in a museum by a young boy dressed as a Ranger. From there the story unfolds with a few random  humorous current day snap backs. We start out with Tonto walking us through how John Reid came to be "The Lone Ranger". His version seems a bit delusional to start with more than a few memory challenges. As if to say he is not sure of himself or the story he is trying to tell. Through this retelling we get to understand that John Reid was a good man, a lawful man.They first meet while Tonto is a prisoner on the train that John Reid is traveling on back to Texas. Also on this ride is the outlaw Butch Cavendish who has been arrested by John's brother Dan a Texas Ranger. Butch's gang comes to free him while on the train and abruptly derails the train and from there the action begins. Dan is a fearless Texas Ranger hell bent to take on the most awful of criminals known to 1850's. John and his brother are different in a lot of ways, with John being the intellect and Dan being the punch you in the mouth type of guy. After arriving to his hometown John meets up with the love of his life also known as his brothers wife Rebecca.  Put into a rough spot, Dan gets John to join him on his quest to stop the Cavendish gang of train robbers and bring about justice . After deputizing John the posse of lawmen set out to find the gang and finish what Dan had started. This is the point of the film where John Reid the man ceases to exist and "The Lone Ranger" begins. I do not want to give away too much and ruin it for those that have not seen it.

Let's be friends forever!

My review- I could probably sum this film up in one single word but that would not work to well for the site.
So let me start with imagine if Michael Bay directed a western. Now let that fester in your mind a bit. If you have seen any of the Pirates of the Carribean films you should know what to expect from Johnny Depp. I am not sure what he was trying to channel in his version of Tonto the spirit guide but it was an insult to the lore of the character. As for the main character Armie Hammer as John Reid/Lone Ranger I was never sold. He never seemed like a guy out for justice,or believable in the role of hero vigilante. The action was non stop but way over the top as one can expect from most recent Disney live action films. Its just more of the same as far as I can tell. I really didn't enjoy this film which is too bad, given how much I love the idea of "The Lone Ranger". I was hoping for something more story driven like the comic from a few years back from Dynamite Comics, but alas it was not to be. As a true and true popcorn film some might find this film enjoyable. Believe me I am just fine with that type of film but for me "The Lone Ranger" just didn't cut it. It was too darn hokey and while full of action, the characters didn't seem to believe their own roles. This film lacks the grit that, in my opinion, is needed to pull off a remake of this historical stature. If you want to check this movie out for yourself click on the link below to snap a copy.  All in all I would give this film a:

Written By John Price